Story time...

The year is 2050. Helên is 81 and Owen is 78. In the absence of grandchildren they have adopted a sentient Feline Cyborg as all the earth cats have been recalled to their true home, a far off planet where the ancient Egyptians built their first spaceship.

Feline Cyborg: Tell me about the olden days Nana.

Helên: Well, 2020 was a wild ride. After a seven year musical lull, we released a new tune, 'Gwyneth Paltrow's Cunt' about an all encompassing smelly candle, then two months later, the world was gripped by a lethal global pandemic the like of which hadn't been seen for a century and everything went to shit.

Feline Cyborg: Tell me more about the song! Will you sing it Nana?

Helên: Maybe another time sweetheart, I'm a bit tired just now. 

Feline Cyborg: Pappy, will you sing it for me, please Pappy, please!

Owen: Fuck off you little cunt, you're not even a real cat.

Mark Whitby's show on Dandelion Radio.

Mark Whitby will be playing 'Gwyneth Paltrow's Cunt' on his Dandelion Radio Show throughout March. You can check out the schedule here: https://www.dandelionradio.com/schedule.htm

For the uninitiated, Dandelion Radio is indie radio at its best. Here's the blurge from their 'about' page.

"We could tell you how a bunch of volunteers felt inspired by the legacy of the late and much-missed BBC Radio DJ John Peel to create our own Internet radio station, named after Dandelion Records, the label Peel ran from 1969-1973. We could tell you that we're bored with automated and formatted radio, and yearn for the days when DJs made it up as they went along, like we do. Or that we want to serve the needs of the people who create and distribute new and interesting music and provide a unique listening experience, with the spirit of Peel running through all we do. We could also tell you about all the strange, challenging, new, old and different music we play. And the exclusive live recordings and sessions we regularly feature. Or about how we are the official new home of John Peel's legendary Festive Fifty - a broadcasting institution since 1976. However, we think our station speaks for itself. So why not click on one of the 'listen live' links above and hear what it has to say? "

 https://www.dandelionradio.com

If you're looking for new and interesting music, then this is the place for you. We're biased of course because they've always been very kind to us. But seriously - well worth a listen.

That's How Bees See by Helên Thomas

Pull The Plug – 27th February 2020

Another brave soul has managed to play the our new tune using some deftly done special witchcraft.

February Fabulousness - Buffet #137

Well, it's happened, and we're as shocked as anyone. Gwyneth Paltrow's Cunt has been played on local community radio in Leeds. Fearless northern women rule! (No offence lads). HTxxFebruary

When Big Joan Sets Up on BCB Radio via Mixcloud. Thanks Phil!

Gwyneth Paltrow's Cunt isn't a hill that any local community radio DJ should be expected to die on. So, we'd like to say a big 'thank you' to Phil Cope for finding a way to mention the unmentionable without getting himself in the soup, and for playing Starship Cleaner by way of consolation. Here's the latest #mixcloud of Phil's show, 'When Big Joan Sets Up' - always an eclectic mix very much in the spirit of John Peel - well worth a listen even when we're not on!

We're Back!

Our new smash hit single...

LYRICS

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

Is it the docks?

That's twenty miles away.

Is it dog shit?

Check your boots.

Is it the drains?

It's worse than that.

Is it cat food?

Cat wouldn't eat that!

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

Open the window!

It's worse outside!

Are they muck spreading?

Has something died?

Bin lorry funk!

Road kill skunk!

Body in the trunk!

Chris Martin's spunk!

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

F.B.I. body farm!

Bin full of Bodyform!

Pus filled ulcer!

Rotten egg sulphur!

Old bin juice!

Hospital sluice!

A bowel that's loose!

Carcass of a moose!

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

Lucifer's breath!

Atrophy and death!

Fish broth enema!

Flyblown ephemera!

Fatberg soup!

Festering gloop!

Sweaty old hoop!

Worse than Joop!

I hear it's like a crystal filled slurry pit.

Get me a peg.

She's rinsing her fans.

And her fanny.

Apparently, she got mugged and threw her mooncup at the attacker.

Really?

Life changing injuries.

Porton Down want a sample.

I lit one of her candles - killed my budgie.

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

It's Gwyneth Paltrow's cunt!

credits

released January 29, 2020

Owen J: music, words

Helên Thomas: words

Available to buy on Bandcamp.