Friday, 1 July 2011

Space Is A Vacuum But Where Are The Cleaners?

Owen and me were discussing where the idea came from for 'I Lost My Heart To A Starship Cleaner'. Here is a blog that I posted many moons ago on myspace that supports my theory that my rambling blog inspired Owen to come up with the title. Not that it really matters. We're all going to die. HT (The woman one)

Space Is A Vacuum But Where Are The Cleaners? 

Current mood: confused
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I was watching 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' the other night and I noticed what pristine clean carpets they have in the spaceship's corridors. It looked like the interior of a lovely hotel with powder blue shag pile fitted throughout. I suppose they can risk having powder blue shag pile seeing as no-one goes outside much and there aren't any kids. Or are there kids? I think they've let the crew have kids in that version of 'Star Trek' where there's a woman driving and they've all got lost. What's she called, Captain Janeway? (I've just googled her - I actually thought she was called Jane Way). She should be called Captain Jane- which-way or Captain Jane-we've-lost-our-way. Anyway – yep she could be called Jane-anyway or Captain Jane-any-which-way-but-loose, but either way, she's on that version of Star Trek where they're all floundering round the universe like a gang of girls looking for a parking space (Ooops, I appear to be channelling Jeremy Clarkson again) so I think she's allowed them to procreate so as to avoid a mutiny. 

I've gone off the point now, like Captain Janeway. Oh that's it, I was marvelling at the powder blue shag pile that looked as if it had been lovingly shake-n-vacced, but by whom exactly? I've mentioned space dust before in this blog and also the fact that women are superior to men when it comes to space travel and cleaning because men can't see dust and women use less oxygen. (There's obviously a Hollywood conspiracy at work with the Janeway story line which implies that women can't read maps). However, I haven't seen any cleaners of any gender on 'Star Trek' – do they exist? I was expecting to see a trolley full of cleaning products and rubber gloves somewhere in the background, left in the corridor by the cleaner currently doing their rounds. You always see that sort of thing in a hotel corridor. I'm no Trekkie, as you can probably tell; I only really watch the occasional episode, so I'm hoping that someone will be able to enlighten me as to who exactly has the cleaning contract on The Starship Enterprise because, given how efficient they are, we could really do with beaming them down to the NHS

Come to think of it, I'm not even sure that the TNG lot, lead by Shakespearean baldy actor Patrick Stewart, are even on a ship called The Enterprise. I wasn't really paying attention, though I did notice that they're still splitting that infinitive during the opening title sequence. I suppose anything's possible in space. Perhaps they have to split infinitives in order to generate a unique type of fuel that powers those things that help them to understand all languages. I know they got a fish to do it in 'The Hitch Hikers Guide' but I think it's a machine in 'Star Trek'.

You'll have realised by now that I'm a bit of a late arrival to the joys of 'Star Trek'. I was most impressed with the episode that I saw because a Kanye West lookalike was in it in his funny Venetian blind stylie sunglasses, and, being a geographer, I was quite taken with the contours of the cling-ons' foreheads, which looked like mountainous terrain. I don't really recall much of the plot except that one of the visiting delegation of cling-ons was complaining about the quality of the food – he didn't like the replicated turkey. He obviously hasn't tried the Quorn variety, which I think is rather tasty and nicer than the real thing. I wondered why the cling-ons hadn't packed themselves some butties wrapped in cling-on clingfilm because they must have known that replicated human food is not to their taste, but you always get one don't you? 

After that I drifted off into a reverie as I pondered the identity of the people, or ETs, who do the Hoovering in space. I also noticed that all of the characters had very neat hair, so there's obviously a barber-shop and a hair salon on board so I found myself wondering what they do with the clippings. I know that, in most of her episodes, Captain Janeway does her hair like Princess Ann, so she probably doesn't bother with hairdressers. Well you wouldn't would you; that's the last thing you want if you've lost your way in space: some bloody hairdresser asking you where you're going on your holidays. She's a bit full of herself though isn't she? I know that if I was responsible for a spaceship full of human souls I'd be ashamed of myself if I'd gone and got us all lost, or maybe it wasn't her fault - I didn't see that episode. Does anyone know? Anyway, if it was Janeway's fault that they lost their way the least she could do is hand in her notice and offer to do the cleaning. Here's a tracks inspired by women in space...



  1. Maybe Mrs Janeway was just looking for the best deals on intergalactic space hoovers and got a bit confused in the middle of the Westfield Centre, aimed for Jupiter and missed? It happened to that old man in his mobility scooter on the M20... Jx

  2. You know, after posting this blog on facebook, which links to twitter, we got 5 new followers all of whom were fake profiles advertising hoovers.
    I think you're right about Mrs Janeway; I imagine the one way system in hyperspace is a bit tricky. She probably had her star map upside down and didn't want the men on board to see her rotating it whilst trying to get her bearings.